[夜与日].(night.and.day).(英)弗吉尼亚·伍尔芙.文字版-第79章

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and　gifts　were　returned；　after　years　of　distance　the　severed　
couple　met；　perhaps　at　an　evening　party；　and　touched　
hands　unfortably　with　an　indifferent　word　or　two。　He　
would　be　cast　off　pletely；　he　would　have　to　trust　to　
his　own　resources。　He　could　never　mention　Cassandra　to　
Katharine　again；　for　months；　and　doubtless　years；　he　would　
never　see　Katharine　again；　anything　might　happen　to　her　
in　his　absence。　

Katharine　was　almost　as　well　aware　of　his　perplexities　
as　he　was。　She　knew　in　what　direction　plete　generosity　
pointed　the　way；　but　pride　—for　to　remain　engaged　
to　Rodney　and　to　cover　his　experiments　hurt　what　was　
nobler　in　her　than　mere　vanity—fought　for　its　life。　

“I’m　to　give　up　my　freedom　for　an　indefinite　time；”　she　
thought；　“in　order　that　William　may　see　Cassandra　here　
at　his　ease。　He’s　not　the　courage　to　manage　it　without　
my　help—he’s　too　much　of　a　coward　to　tell　me　openly　
what　he　wants。　He　hates　the　notion　of　a　public　breach。　
He　wants　to　keep　us　both。”　

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When　she　reached　this　point；　Rodney　pocketed　the　letter　
and　elaborately　looked　at　his　watch。　Although　the　
action　meant　that　he　resigned　Cassandra；　for　he　knew　his　
own　inpetence　and　distrusted　himself　entirely；　and　
lost　Katharine；　for　whom　his　feeling　was　profound　though　
unsatisfactory；　still　it　appeared　to　him　that　there　was　
nothing　else　left　for　him　to　do。　He　was　forced　to　go；　
leaving　Katharine　free；　as　he　had　said；　to　tell　her　mother　
that　the　engagement　was　at　an　end。　But　to　do　what　plain　
duty　required　of　an　honorable　man；　cost　an　effort　which　
only　a　day　or　two　ago　would　have　been　inconceivable　to　
him。　That　a　relationship　such　as　he　had　glanced　at　with　
desire　could　be　possible　between　him　and　Katharine；　he　
would　have　been　the　first；　two　days　ago；　to　deny　with　
indignation。　But　now　his　life　had　changed；　his　attitude　
had　changed；　his　feelings　were　different；　new　aims　and　
possibilities　had　been　shown　him；　and　they　had　an　almost　
irresistible　fascination　and　force。　The　training　of　a　
life　of　thirtyfive　years　had　not　left　him　defenceless；　he　
was　still　master　of　his　dignity；　he　rose；　with　a　mind　made　
up　to　an　irrevocable　farewell。　

“I　leave　you；　then；”　he　said；　standing　up　and　holding　
out　his　hand　with　an　effort　that　left　him　pale；　but　lent　
him　dignity；　“to　tell　your　mother　that　our　engagement　is　
ended　by　your　desire。”　

She　took　his　hand　and　held　it。　

“You　don’t　trust　me？”　she　said。　

“I　do；　absolutely；”　he　replied。　

“No。　You　don’t　trust　me　to　help　you…　。　I　could　help　
you？”　

“I’m　hopeless　without　your　help！”　he　exclaimed　passionately；　
but　withdrew　his　hand　and　turned　his　back。　
When　he　faced　her；　she　thought　that　she　saw　him　for　the　
first　time　without　disguise。　

“It’s　useless　to　pretend　that　I　don’t　understand　what　
you’re　offering；　Katharine。　I　admit　what　you　say。　Speaking　
to　you　perfectly　frankly；　I　believe　at　this　moment　
that　I　do　love　your　cousin；　there　is　a　chance　that；　with　
your　help；　I　might—but　no；”　he　broke　off；　“it’s　impossible；　
it’s　wrong—I’m　infinitely　to　blame　for　having　allowed　
this　situation　to　arise。”　

“Sit　beside　me。　Let’s　consider　sensibly—”　

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“Your　sense　has　been　our　undoing—”　he　groaned。　

“I　accept　the　responsibility。”　

“Ah；　but　can　I　allow　that？”　he　exclaimed。　“It　would　
mean—for　we　must　face　it；　Katharine—that　we　let　our　
engagement　stand　for　the　time　nominally；　in　fact；　of　
course；　your　freedom　would　be　absolute。”　

“And　yours　too。”　

“Yes；　we　should　both　be　free。　Let　us　say　that　I　saw　
Cassandra　once；　twice；　perhaps；　under　these　conditions；　
and　then　if；　as　I　think　certain；　the　whole　thing　proves　a　
dream；　we　tell　your　mother　instantly。　Why　not　tell　her　
now；　indeed；　under　pledge　of　secrecy？”　

“Why　not？　It　would　be　over　London　in　ten　minutes；　
besides；　she　would　never　even　remotely　understand。”　

“Your　father；　then？　This　secrecy　is　detestable—it’s　dishonorable。”　


“My　father　would　understand　even　less　than　my　mother。”　

“Ah；　who　could　be　expected　to　understand？”　Rodney　
groaned；　“but　it’s　from　your　point　of　view　that　we　must　
look　at　it。　It’s　not　only　asking　too　much；　it’s　putting　you　
into　a　position—a　position　in　which　I　could　not　endure　

to　see　my　own　sister。”　

“We’re　not　brothers　and　sisters；”　she　said　impatiently；　
“and　if　we　can’t　decide；　who　can？　I’m　not　talking　nonsense；”　
she　proceeded。　“I’ve　done　my　best　to　think　this　
out　from　every　point　of　view；　and　I’ve　e　to　the　conclusion　
that　there　are　risks　which　have　to　be　taken；—　
though　I　don’t　deny　that　they　hurt　horribly。”　

“Katharine；　you　mind？　You’ll　mind　too　much。”　

“No　I　shan’t；”　she　said　stoutly。　“I　shall　mind　a　good　deal；　
but　I’m　prepared　for　that；　I　shall　get　through　it；　because　
you　will　help　me。　You’ll　both　help　me。　In　fact；　we’ll　help　
each　other。　That’s　a　Christian　doctrine；　isn’t　it？”　

“It　sounds　more　like　Paganism　to　me；”　Rodney　groaned；　
as　he　reviewed　the　situation　into　which　her　Christian　
doctrine　was　plunging　them。　

And　yet　he　could　not　deny　that　a　divine　relief　possessed　
him；　and　that　the　future；　instead　of　wearing　a　
leadcolored　mask；　now　blossomed　with　a　thousand　varied　
gaieties　and　excitements。　He　was　actually　to　see　
Cassandra　within　a　week　or　perhaps　less；　and　he　was　more　
anxious　to　know　the　date　of　her　arrival　than　he　could　

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own　even　to　himself。　It　seemed　base　to　be　so　anxious　to　
pluck　this　fruit　of　Katharine’s　unexampled　generosity　and　
of　his　own　contemptible　baseness。　And　yet；　though　he　
used　these　words　automatically；　they　had　now　no　meaning。　
He　was　not　debased　in　his　own　eyes　by　what　he　had　
done；　and　as　for　praising　Katharine；　were　they　not　partners；　
conspirators；　people　bent　upon　the　same　quest　together；　
so　that　to　praise　the　pursuit　of　a　mon　end　as　
an　act　of　generosity　was　meaningless。　He　took　her　hand　
and　pressed　it；　not　in　thanks　so　much　as　in　an　ecstasy　of　
radeship。　

“We　will　help　each　other；”　he　said；　repeating　her　words；　
seeking　her　eyes　in　an　enthusiasm　of　friendship。　

Her　eyes　were　grave　but　dark　with　sadness　as　they　rested　
on　him。　“He’s　already　gone；”　she　thought；　“far　away—he　
thinks　of　me　no　more。”　And　the　fancy　came　to　her　that；　
as　they　sat　side　by　side；　hand　in　hand；　she　could　hear　the　
earth　pouring　from　above　to　make　a　barrier　between　them；　
so　that；　as　they　sat；　they　were　separated　second　by　second　
by　an　imperable　wall。　The　process；　which　affected　
her　as　that　of　being　sealed　away　and　for　ever　from　all　

panionship　with　the　person　she　cared　for　most；　came　
to　an　end　at　last；　and　by　mon　consent　they　unclasped　
their　fingers；　Rodney　touching　hers　with　his　lips；　as　the　
curtain　parted；　and　Mrs。　Hilbery　peered　through　the　opening　
with　her　benevolent　and　sarcastic　expression　to　ask　
whether　Katharine　could　remember　was　it　Tuesday　or　
Wednesday；　and　did　she　dine　in　Westminster？　

“Dearest　William；”　she　said；　pausing；　as　if　she　could　
not　resist　the　pleasure　of　encroaching　for　a　second　upon　
this　wonderful　world　of　love　and　confidence　and　romance。　
“Dearest　children；”　she　added；　disappearing　with　an　impulsive　
gesture；　as　if　she　forced　herself　to　draw　the　curtain　
upon　a　scene　which　she　refused　all　temptation　to　
interrupt。　

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CHAPTER　XXV　


At　a　quarterpast　three　in　the　afternoon　of　the　following　
Saturday　Ralph　Denham　sat　on　the　bank　of　the　lake　in　
Kew　Gardens；　dividing　the　dialplate　of　his　watch　into　
sections　with　his　forefinger。　The　just　and　inexorable　nature　
of　time　itself　was　reflected　in　his　face。　He　might　
have　been　posing　a　hymn　to　the　unhasting　and　
unresting　march　of　that　divinity。　He　seemed　to　greet　the　
lapse　of　minute　after　minute　with　stern　acquiescence　in　
the　inevitable　order。　His　expression　was　so　severe；　so　
serene；　so　immobile；　that　it　seemed　obvious　that　for　him　
at　least　there　was　a　grandeur　in　the　departing　hour　which　
no　petty　irritation　on　his　part　was　to　mar；　although　the　
wasting　time　wasted　also　high　private　hopes　of　his　own。　

His　fa