the days of my life-第24章

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em；　however；　my　father　preserved；　apparently　because　they　refer　to　money　matters。　A　little　while　ago　my　brother　William8　found　them　when　rummaging　through　papers　at　Bradenham；　and　kindly　sent　them　to　me。　I　have　just　re…read　them　for　the　first　time；　and；　as　a　full　generation　has　gone　by　since　they　were　written；　I　find　the　experience　strange　and　in　a　sense　sad。　The　intervening　years　seem　to　fall　away；　the　past　arises　real　and　vivid；　and　I　see　myself　a　slim；　quick…faced　young　fellow　seated　in　that　room　at　Pretoria　inditing　these　epistles　which　I　had　so　long　forgotten。　They　are　written　in　a　much　better　hand　than　I　can　boast　today；　every　word　being　clear　and　every　letter　well　formed；　which　doubtless　was　a　result　of　my　despatch　e　extracts。
8　Sir　Rider’s　eldest　brother；　the　late　Sir　W。　H。　D。　Haggard；　K。C。M。G。；　at　that　time　Minister　at　Rio。　—　Ed。
Pretoria；　S。A。R。：　March　13；　1877。
My　dear　Father；　—　Since　my　last　letter　matters　have　been　rapidly　advancing　and　drawing　to　a　close。　The　Raad；　after　making　a　last　move　at　once　futile　and　foolish；　has　prorogued　itself　and　left　matters　to　take　their　course。　Things　are　also　looking　much　more　peaceable；　and　I　do　not　think　that　there　will　be　any　armed　resistance。　At　one　time　an　outbreak　seemed　imminent；　in　which　case　we　should　have　run　a　very　fair　chance　of　being　potted　on　our　own　stoep。　。　。　。　I　spoke　a　day　or　two　ago　to　the　Chief　as　to　my　taking　home　the　despatches；　and　he　told　me　that　he　could　not　send　me　as　the　bearer　of　the　despatches；　1st：　because　it　was　no　longer　done　except　through　foreign　territories；　2nd：　because　I　might　be　delayed　on　the　road　by　sickness　or　accidents；　and　that　in　performing　a　long　journey　of　the　sort　a　mail…bag　had　a　better　chance　of　getting　safely　and　swiftly　to　its　destination　than　a　messenger。　“But；”　he　said；　“I　will　send　you　with　the　despatches　and　with　credentials　to　the　Colonial　authorities；　empowering　you　to　give　such　information　as　my　despatches　do　not　and　cannot　contain；　which　is　a　great　deal”　（Sir　T。　is　not　a　voluminous　writer）；　“and　in　this　way　you　will　be　a　living　despatch。”
This　is　perhaps　not　quite　so　good　as　taking　the　actual　letters；　since　I　shall　not　get　my　expenses；　but　as　far　as　regards　other　things　it　will　answer　my　purpose　equally　well。　It　will　be　something　to　my　name　in　case　I　wish　or　am　obliged　at　any　future　time　to　avail　myself　of　it。　Besides　it　is　indirectly　a　great　pliment　to　myself。　Any　young　fellow　can　carry　despatches；　but　it　is　not　for　everybody　of　my　age　and　short　experience　who　would　be　trusted　to　give　private　information　on　so　important　a　subject　as　the　unexpected　annexation　of　a　splendid　territory　as　large　as　Great　Britain；　information　which　may　very　probably　be　made　use　of　in　Parliament。　Since　I　have　been　here　I　have　done　my　best　to　study　the　question　and　to　keep　myself　informed　as　to　every　detail；　and　I　get　my　reward　in　this　manner　。　。　。　。
I　think　that　I　shall　e　home　via　the　Cape。　It　will　be　a　stiff　journey；　1200　miles　in　a　post…cart；　but　it　will　be　a　thing　to　have　done；　and　I　want　if　possible　to　get　to　London　at　the　same　time　as　despatches　announcing　the　Annexation。　When　the　Proclamation　will　go　I　cannot　say；　but　I　think　it　will　be　in　the　course　of　the　next　fortnight。　We　received　news　to…night　that　the　troops　and　guns　are　on　the　way　to　Newcastle。　I　shall　start　by　mail　following　the　issue　of　the　Proclamation。
We　are　going　on　as　usual　here　working　in　the　dark　（we　are　beginning　to　emerge　now）　and　waiting　the　result。　It　has　been　an　anxious　business；　but　I　think　that　we　are　all　right　now。
I　had　rather　that　my　letters　were　not　shown；　as　we　do　not　quite　know　what　line　the　Home　Government　is　going　to　take；　and　I　have　spoken　pretty　plainly。　＇All　these　letters　to　which　I　refer　here　are　missing。　—　H。　R。　H。＇
It　was　after　my　return　from　Secocoeni’s　and；　I　think；　within　a　day　or　two　of　the　Proclamation　being　issued；　that　I　received　that　harsh　epistle　from　my　father　of　which　I　have　written　earlier　in　this　book；　that；　as　I　have　said；　caused　me　at　the　last　moment　not　to　start　for　England。　It　was　a　very　foolish　act　on　my　part；　as　the　reader　who　studies　the　facts　will　see。　I　should　have　remembered　that　when　he　wrote　his　letter　my　father　could　not　have　known　that　I　was　ing　home　in　this　important　position；　namely　to　give　viva…voce　information　to　Lord　Carnarvon　as　to　all　the　circumstances　connected　with　the　Annexation。　Nor；　although　I　have　little　doubt　that　my　mother　and　my　sister　Mary；　now　Baroness　A。　d’Ahan；　were　privy　to　the　secret　and　private　reasons　for　my　journey；　to　which　I　have　also　already　alluded；　was　he　perhaps　aware　of　them。　However；　so　I　acted　in　my　hurt　pride　and　anger；　and　there　the　thing　remains。　I　may　say　in　excuse　of　this　want　of　judgment　that　I　was　very　young；　only　twenty；　and　that　I　had　to　make　up　my　mind　on　the　spot　while；　as　the　Zulus　say；　“my　heart　was　cut　in　two。”
Moreover　I　repeat　my　belief　that　the　finger　of　Fate　was　at　work　in　the　matter；　how　and　why　perhaps　we　should　have　to　go　back；　or　forward；　ages　or　aeons　to　explain。　Years　ago　I　came　to　the　conclusion　that　our　individual　lives　and　the　accidents　which　influence　them　are　not　the　petty　things　they　seem　to　be；　but　rather　a　part　of　some　great　scheme　whereof　we　know　neither　the　beginning　nor　the　end。　The　threads　of　our　destinies；　in　black　or　in　scarlet　or　in　sombre　grey；　appear　and　disappear　before　our　mortal　eyes；　but　who　can　figure　out　the　tapestry　that　they　help　to　weave？　That　picture　lies　beyond　our　ken　or　even　our　imagining。
The　insect　sees　more　than　the　worm；　the　snake　more　than　the　insect；　the　dog　more　than　the　snake；　and　the　man；　erect　in　his　pride；　more　than　all　of　them。　But　how　much　does　the　man　see　of　the　whole　great　universe；　or　even　of　this　little　earth？
To　the　best　of　my　belief　I　answered　my　father’s　letter；　which　I　think　I　destroyed　upon　the　spot；　very　briefly；　saying　that　I　had　abandoned　my　idea　of　ing　home。　Apparently　this　letter　was　not　preserved。　One　remains；　however；　which　appears　to　allude　to　the　subject；　and　from　it　I　quote　some　extracts。
Government　House；
Pretoria；　Transvaal：　June　1；　1877。
My　dear　Father；　—　I　have　to　acknowledge　your　two　letters　dated　respectively　27th　March　and　the　4th　April。　I　do　not　think　that　it　will　be　of　any　good　to　dwell　any　more　on　what　is　to　me；　in　some　ways　at　least；　a　rather　painful　subject　。　。　。　。
I　received　today　my　letter　of　appointment　as　English　Clerk　to　the　Colonial　Secretary’s　Office　with　a　salary　of　250　pounds　per　annum。　I　have　not　yet　got　my　appointment　as　Clerk　to　the　Executive　Council；　which　will　be　worth　nominally　100　pounds　per　annum；　but　in　reality　only　50　pounds。　It　was　to　have　been　gazetted　tomorrow　with　the　other；　but　the　Chief　thought　it　better　to　wait。　However；　unless　something　occurs；　I　shall　get　it　before　long；　as　soon　as　there　is　an　Executive　to　be　Clerk　to。　The　reason　that　50　pounds　is　to　be　knocked　off　is　that　it　is　not　desirable　to　give　offence　by　making　my　pay　higher　than　that　of　any　other　clerk　in　the　service；　and　though　virtually　I　shall　stand　first　on　the　list；　it　is　thought　better　that　I　should　not　be　nominally　either　under　or　over　the　one　or　ty　position　as　“English　Clerk”　will　be　a　perfectly　independent　one。　The　English　work　of　the　office　will　be　in　my　hands；　and　as　it　now　far　more　than　equals　the　Dutch　and　will　increase　day　by　day；　of　course　it　is　the　most　important　part　of　the　business　and　will　soon　swamp　the　other。
The　reason　of　the　delay　in　my　appointment　is　that　there　has　been　a　difference　of　opinion　about　it　between　the　Chief　and　Mr。　Osborn；　who　is　to　be　Colonial　Secretary　and　consequently　my　Head　of　Department　and；　under　the　Governor；　of　the　whole　service。　The　Chief　wished　me　to　stop　on　with　him　as　Despatch　Clerk　with　the　same　salary；　and　Obsorn　wanted　me　in　his　office。　In　the　end　they　promised　it：　my　appointment　is　made　out　as　above；　and　when　I　am　wanted　at　Government　House　I　am　to　go　there。　On　the　whole　I　would　rather　have　it　as　it　is；　for　the　work　will　be　more　interesting　though　harder；　and　the　position；　on　the　whole；　better。
So　much　for　the　appointment　itself；　now　as　regards　its　future　probable　or　possible　results。　。　。　。　It　is　far　better　to　take　service　here　than　in　Natal。　In　five　years　Natal　will　be　to　this　country　what　Ireland　is　to　England。　To　begin　with；　the