高山上的呼喊-go tell it on the mountain-第18章

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　　This　silence；　continuing　like　a　corridor；　carried　Gabriel　back　to　the　silence　that　hadpreceded　his　birth　in　Christ。　Like　a　birth　indeed；　all　that　had　e　before　this　moment　waswrapped　in　darkness；　lay　at　the　bottom　of　the　sea　of　forgetfulness；　and　was　not　now　countedagainst　him；　but　was　related　only　to　that　blind；　and　doomed；　and　stinking　corruption　he　had　beenbefore　he　was　redeemed。
　　The　silence　was　the　silence　of　the　early　morning；　and　he　was　returning　from　the　harlot’shouse。　Yet　all　around　him　were　the　sounds　of　the　morning：　of　birds；　invisible；　praising　God；　ofcrickets　in　the　vine；　frogs　in　the　swamp；　of　dogs　miles　away　and　closed　at　hand；　roosters　on　theporch。　The　sun　was　not　yet　half　awake；　only　the　utmost　tops　of　trees　had　begun　to　tremble　at　histurning；　and　the　mist　moved　sullenly　before　Gabriel　and　all　around　him；　falling　back　before　thelight　that　rules　by　day。　Later；　he　said　of　that　morning　that　his　sin　was　on　him；　then　he　knew　onlythat　he　carried　a　burden　and　that　he　longed　to　lay　it　down。　This　burden　was　heavier　than　theheaviest　mountain　and　he　carried　it　in　his　heart。　With　each　step　that　he　took　his　burden　grewheavier；　and　his　breath　became　slow　and　harsh；　and；　of　a　sudden；　cold　sweat　stood　out　on　his　browand　drenched　his　back。
　　All　alone　in　the　cabin　his　mother　lay　waiting；　not　only　for　his　return　this　morning；　but　forhis　surrender　to　the　Lord。　She　lingered　only　for　this；　and　he　knew　it；　even　though　she　no　longerexhorted　him　as　she　had　in　days　but　shortly　gone　by。　She　had　placed　him　in　the　hands　of　the　Lord；and　she　waited　with　patience　to　see　how　He　would　work　the　matter。
　　For　she　would　live　to　see　the　promise　of　the　Lord　fulfilled。　She　would　not　go　to　her　restuntil　her　son；　the　last　of　her　children；　he　who　would　place　her　in　the　winding…sheet；　should　haveentered　the　munion　of　the　saints。　Now　she；　who　had　been　impatient　once；　and　violent；　who　hadcursed　and　shouted　and　contended　like　a　man；　moved　into　silence；　contending　only；　and　with　thelast　measure　of　her　strength；　with　God。　And　this；　too；　she　did　like　a　man：　knowing　that　she　hadkept　the　faith；　she　waited　for　Him　to　keep　His　promise。　Gabriel　knew　that　when　he　entered　shewould　not　ask　him　where　he　had　been；　she　would　not　reproach　him；　and　her　eyes；　even　when　sheclosed　her　lids　to　sleep；　would　follows　him　everywhere。
　　　Later；　since　it　was　Sunday；　some　of　the　brothers　and　sisters　would　e　to　her；　to　sing　andpray　around　her　bed。　And　she　would　pray　for　him；　sitting　up　in　bed　unaided；　her　head　lifted；　hervoice　steady；　while　he；　kneeling　in　a　corner　of　the　room；　trembled　and　almost　wished　that　shewould　die；　and　trembled　again　at　this　testimony　to　the　desperate　wickedness　of　his　heart；　andprayed　without　words　to　be　forgiven。　For　he　had　no　words　when　he　knelt　before　the　throne。　And　hefeared　to　make　a　vow　before　Heaven　until　he　had　the　strength　to　keep　it。　And　yet　he　knew　that　untilhe　made　the　vow　he　would　never　find　the　strength。
　　For　he　desired　in　his　soul；　with　fear　and　trembling；　all　the　glories　that　his　mother　prayed　heshould　find。　Yes；　he　wanted　power—he　wanted　to　know　himself　to　be　the　Lord’s　anointed；　Hiswell…beloved；　and　worthy；　nearly；　of　that　snow…white　dove　which　had　been　sent　down　fromHeaven　to　testify　that　Jesus　was　the　son　of　God。　He　wanted　to　be　the　master；　to　speak　with　thatauthority　which　could　only　e　from　God。　It　was　later　to　bee　his　proud　testimony　that　hehated　his　sins—even　as　he　ran　toward　sin；　even　as　he　sinned。　He　hated　the　evil　that　lived　in　hisbody；　and　he　feared　it；　as　he　feared　and　heated　the　
Part　3　The　Threshing…floor
　　　　Then　said　I；　Woe　is　me！　for　I　amundone；　because　I　am　a　man　of　uncleanlips；　and　dwell　in　the　midst　of　apeople　of　unclean　lips；　for　mine　eyeshave　seen　the　king；　the　Lord　of　hosts。
　　Then　I　buckled　up　my　shoes；And　I　startedHe　knew；　without　knowing　how　it　had　happened；　that　he　lay　on　the　floor；　in　the　dusty　space　beforethe　altar　which　he　and　Elisha　had　cleaned；　and　knew　that　above　him　burned　the　yellow　light　whichhe　had　himself　switched　on。　Dust　was　in　his　nostrils；　sharp　and　terrible；　and　the　feet　of　saints；shaking　the　floor　beneath　him；　raised　small　clouds　of　dust　that　filmed　his　mouth。　He　heard　theircries；　so　far；　so　high　above　him–he　could　never　rise　that　far。　He　was　like　a　rock；　a　dead　man’sbody；　a　dying　bird；　fallen　from　an　awful　height；　something　that　had　no　power　of　itself；　any　more；to　turn。
　　And　something　moved　in　John’s　body　which　was　not　John。　He　was　invaded；　set　at　naught；possessed。　This　power　had　struck　John；　in　the　head　or　in　the　heart；　and；　in　a　moment；　wholly；filling　him　with　an　anguish　that　he　could　never　in　his　life　have　imagined；　that　he　surely　could　notendure；　that　even　now　he　could　not　believe；　had　opened　him　up；　had　cracked　him　open；　as　woodbeneath　the　axe　cracks　down　the　middle；　as　rocks　break　up；　had　ripped　him　and　felled　him　in　amoment；　so　that　John　had　not　felt　the　wound；　but　only　the　agony；　had　not　felt　the　fall；　but　only　thefear；　and　lay　here；　now；　helpless；　screaming；　at　the　very　bottom　of　darkness。
　　He　wanted　to　rise—a　malicious；　ironic　voice　insisted　that　he　rise—and；　at　once；　to　leave　histemple　and　go　out　into　the　world。
　　He　wanted　to　obey　the　voice；　which　was　the　only　voice　that　spoke　to　him；　he　tried　to　assurethe　voice　that　he　would　do　his　best　to　rise；　he　would　only　lie　here　a　moment；　after　his　dreadful　fall；and　catch　his　breath。　It　was　at　this　moment；　precisely；　that　he　found　he　could　not　rise；　something　had　happened　to　his　arms；　his　legs；　his　feet—ah；　something　had　happened　to　John！　and　he　began　toscream　again　in　his　great；　bewildered　terror；　and　felt　himself；　indeed；　begin　to　move—not　upward；toward　the　light；　but　down　again；　a　sickness　in　his　bowels；　a　tightening　in　his　loin…strings；　he　felthimself　turning；　again　and　again；　across　the　dusty　floor；　as　though　God’s　toe　had　touched　himlightly。　And　the　dust　made　him　cough　and　retch；　in　his　turning　the　centre　of　the　whole　earthshifted；　making　of　space　a　sheer　void　and　a　mockery　of　order；　and　balance；　and　time。　Nothingremained：　all　was　swallowed　up　in　chaos。　And：　Is　this　it？　John’s　terrified　soul　inquired—What　isit？—to　no　purpose；　receiving　no　answer。　Only　the　ironic　voice　insisted　yet　once　more　that　he　risefrom　the　filthy　floor　if　he　did　not　want　to　bee　like　all　the　other　niggers。
　　Then　he　anguish　subsided　for　a　moment；　as　water　withdraws　briefly　to　dash　itself　oncemore　against　the　rocks：　he　knew　that　it　subsided　only　to　return。　And　he　coughed　and　sobbed　in　thedusty　space　before　the　altar；　lying　on　his　face。　And　still　he　was　going　down；　farther　and　fartherfrom　the　joy；　the　singing；　and　the　light　above　him。
　　He　tried；　but　in　such　despair！—the　utter　darkness　does　not　present　any　point　of　departure；contains　no　beginning；　and　no　end—to　rediscover；　and；　as　it　were；　to　trap　and　hold　tightly　in　thepalm　of　his　hand；　the　moment　preceding　his　fall；　his　change。　But　that　moment　was　also　locked　indarkness；　was　wordless；　and　should　not　e　forth。　He　remembered　only　the　cross：　he　had　turnedagain　to　kneel　at　the　altar；　and　had　faced　the　golden　cross。　And　the　Holy　Ghost　was　speaking—seeming　to　say；　as　John　spelled　out　the　so　abruptly　present　and　gigantic　legend　adorning　the　cross：
　　Jesus　Saves。　He　had　stared　to　this；　an　awful　bitterness　in　his　heart；　wanting　to　curse—and　the　Spiritspoke；　and　spoke　in　him。　Yes：　there　was　Elisha；　speaking　from　the　floor；　and　his　father；　silent；　athis　back。　In　his　heart　there　was　a　sudden　yearning　tenderness　for　holy　Elisha；　desire；　sharp　andawful　as　a　reflecting　knife；　to　usurp　the　body　of　Elisha；　and　lie　where　Elisha　lay；　to　speak　intongues；　as　Elisha　spoke；　and；　with　that　authority；　to　confound　his　father。　Yet　this　had　not　been　themoment；　it　was　as　far　back　as　he　could　go；　but　the　secret；　the　turning；　the　abysmal　drop　was　fartherback；　in　darkness。　As　he　cursed　his　father；　as　he　loved　Elisha；　he　had；　even　then；　been　weeping；　hehad　already　passed　his　moment；　was　already　under　the　power；　had　been　struck；　and　was　goingdownAh；　down！—and　to　what　purpose；　where？　To　the　bottom　of　the　sea；　the　bowels　of　the　earth；to　the　heart　of　the　fiery　furnace？　Into　a　dungeon　deeper　than　Hell；　into　a　madness　louder　than　thegrave？　What　trumpet　sound　would　awaken　him；　what　hand　would　lift　him　u