new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第84章
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〃Edward；〃 I said。 His name burned my throat a little on the way out。 I could
feel the ghost of the hole；
waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared。 I didn't quite see
how I was going to survive it
this time。 〃This has to stop now。 You can't think about things that way。 You
can't let this this guilt
rule your life。 You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me
here。 None of it is your fault；
it's just part of how life is for me。 So； if I trip in front of a bus or
whatever it is next time； you have to
realize that it's not your job to take the blame。 You can't just go running
off to Italy because you feel bad
that you didn't save me。 Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die； that
would have been my choice； and
not your fault。 I know it's your your nature to shoulder the blame for
everything； but you really can't
let that make you go to such extremes！ It's very irresponsible—think of Esme
and Carlisle and—〃
I was on the edge of losing it。 I stopped to take a deep breath； hoping to
calm myself。 I had to set him
free。 I had to make sure this never happened again。
〃Isabella Marie Swan；〃 he whispered； the strangest expression crossing his
face。 He almost looked mad。
〃Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty？〃
I could feel the blank inprehension on my face。 〃Didn't you？〃
〃Feel guilty？ Intensely so。 More than you can prehend。〃
〃Then what are you saying？ I don't understand。〃
〃Bella； I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead；〃 he said； voice
soft； eyes fierce。 〃Even if
I'd had no hand in your death〃—he shuddered as he whispered the last
word—〃even if it wasn't my
fault； I would have gone to Italy。 Obviously； I should have been more careful
—I should have spoken to
Alice directly； rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie。 But； really；
what was I supposed to
think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral？ What are the odds？
〃The odds〃 he muttered then； distracted。 His voice was so low I wasn't sure
I beard it right。 〃The odds
are always stacked against us。 Mistake after mistake。 I'll never criticize
Romeo again。〃
〃But I still don't understand；〃 I said。 〃That's my whole point。 So what？〃
〃Excuse me？〃
〃So what if I was dead？〃
He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering。 〃Don't you
remember anything I told you
before？〃
〃I remember everything that you told me。〃 Including the words that had negated
all the rest。
He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my lower lip。 〃Bella； you seem
to be under a
misapprehension。〃 He closed his eyes； shaking his head back and forth with
half a smile on his beautiful
face。 It wasn't a happy smile。 〃I thought I'd explained it clearly before。
Bella； I can't live in a world where
you don't exist。〃
〃I am〃 My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word。 〃Confused。〃 That
worked。 I couldn't
make sense of what he was saying。
He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere； earnest gaze。 〃I'm a good liar；
Bella； I have to be。〃
I froze； my muscles locking down as if for impact。 The fault line in my chest
rippled； the pain of it took my
breath away。
He shook my shoulder； trying to loosen my rigid pose。 〃Let me finish！ I'm a
good liar； but still； for you to
believe me so quickly。〃 He winced。 〃That was excruciating。〃
I waited； still frozen。
〃When we were in the forest； when I was telling you goodbye—〃
I didn't allow myself to remember。 I fought to keep myself in the present
second only。
〃You weren't going to let go；〃 he whispered。 〃I could see that。 I didn't want
to do it—it felt like it would
kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't
love you anymore； it would just
take you that much longer to get on with your life。 I hoped that； if you
thought I'd moved on； so would
you。〃
〃A clean break；〃 I whispered through unmoving lips。
〃Exactly。 But I never imagined it would be so easy to do！ I thought it would
be next to impossible—that
you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth
for hours to even plant the
seed of doubt in your head。 I lied； and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt
you； sorry because it was a
worthless effort。 Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an。 I lied to
save you； and it didn't work。
I'm sorry。
〃But how could you believe me？ After all the thousand times I've told you I
love you； how could you let
one word break your faith in me？〃
I didn't answer。 I was too shocked to form a rational response。
〃I could see it in your eyes； that you honestly believed that I didn't want
you anymore。 The most absurd；
ridiculous concept—as if there were anu way that I could exist without
needing you！〃
I was still frozen。 His words were inprehensible； because they were
impossible。
He shook my shoulder again； not hard； but enough that my teeth rattled a
little。
〃Bella；〃 he sighed。 〃Really； what were you thinking！〃
And so I started to cry。 The tears welled up and then gushed miserably down my
cheeks。
〃I knew it；〃 I sobbed。 〃I knew I was dreaming。〃
〃You're impossible；〃 he said； and he laughed once—a hard laugh； frustrated。
〃How can I put this so that
you'll believe me？ You're not asleep； and you're not dead。 I'm here； and I
love you。 I have always loved
you； and I will always love you。 I was thinking of you； seeing your face in my
mind； every second that I
was away。 When I told you that I didn't want you； it was the very blackest
kind of blasphemy。〃
I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes。
〃You don't believe me； do you？〃 he whispered； his face paler than his usual
pale—I could see that even
in the dim light。 〃Why can you believe the lie； but not the truth？〃
〃It never made sense for you to love me；〃 I explained； my voice breaking
twice。 〃I always knew that。〃
His eyes narrowed； his jaw tightened。
〃I'll prove you're awake；〃 he promised。
He caught my face securely between his iron hands； ignoring my struggles when
I tried to turn my head
away。
〃Please don't；〃 I whispered。
He stopped； his lips just half an inch from mine。
〃Why not？〃 he demanded。 His breath blew into my face； making my head whirl。
〃When I wake up〃—He opened his mouth to protest； so I revised—〃okay； forget
that one—when you
leave again； it's going to be hard enough without this； too。〃
He pulled back an inch； to stare at my face。
〃Yesterday； when I would touch you； you were so hesitant； so careful； and
yet still the same。 I need to
know why。 Is it because I'm too late？ Because I've hurt you too much？ Because
you have moved on； as
I meant for you to？ That would be quite fair。 I won't contest your decision。
So don't try to spare my
feelings； please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me； after
everything I've done to you。
Can you？〃 he whispered。
〃What kind of an idiotic question is that？〃
〃Just answer it。 Please。〃
I stared at him darkly for a long moment。 〃The way I feel about you will never
change。 Of course I love
you—and there's nothing you can do about it！〃
〃That's all I needed to hear。〃
His mouth was on mine then； and I couldn't fight him。 Not because he was so
many thousand times
stronger than me； but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips
met。 This kiss was not quite
as careful as others I remembered； which suited me just fine。 If I was going
to rip myself up further； I
might as well get as much in trade as possible。
So I kissed him back； my heart pounding out a jagged； disjointed rhythm while
my breathing turned to
panting and my fingers moved greedily to his face。 I could feel his marble
body against every line of mine；
and I was so glad he hadn't listened to me—there was no pain in the world
that would have justified
missing this。 His hands memorized my face； the same way mine were tracing his；
and； in the brief seconds
when his lips were free； he whispered my name。
When I was starting to get dizzy； he pulled away； only to lay his ear against
my heart。
I lay there； dazed； waiting for my gasping
