new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第83章

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much　stalked　my　
hallucinations—and　now　my　mind　had　snapped。　
It　took　less　than　half　a　second　for　me　to　realize　that；　as　long　as　I　was　truly　
insane　now；　I　might　as　well　
enjoy　the　delusions　while　they　were　pleasant。　
I　opened　my　eyes　again—and　Edward　was　still　there；　his　perfect　face　just　
inches　away　from　mine。　
〃Did　I　frighten　you？〃　His　low　voice　was　anxious。　This　was　very　good；　as　
delusions　went。　The　face；　the　
voice；　the　scent；　everything—it　was　so　much　better　than　drowning。　The　
beautiful　figment　of　my　
imagination　watched　my　changing　expressions；　with　alarm。　His　irises　were　
pitch…black；　with　bruise…like　
shadows　under　them。　This　surprised　me；　my　hallucinatory　Edwards　were　usually　
better　fed。　
I　blinked　twice；　desperately　trying　to　remember　the　last　thing　that　I　was　sure　
was　real。　Alice　was　part　of　
my　dream；　and　I　wondered　if　she　had　really　e　back　at　all；　or　if　that　was　
just　the　preamble。　I　thought　
she'd　returned　the　day　I'd　nearly　drowned　
〃Oh；　crap〃　I　croaked。　My　throat　was　thick　with　sleeping。　
〃What's　wrong；　Bella？〃　
I　frowned　at　him　unhappily。　His　face　was　even　more　anxious　than　before。　
〃I'm　dead；　right？〃　I　moaned。　〃I　did　drown。　Crap；　crap；　crap！　This　is　gonna　
kill　Charlie。〃　
Edward　frowned；　too。　〃You're　not　dead。〃　
〃Then　why　am　I　not　waking　up？〃　I　challenged；　raising　my　eyebrows。　
〃You　are　awake；　Bella。〃　
I　shook　my　head。　〃Sure；　sure。　That's　what　you　want　me　to　think。　And　then　it　
will　be　worse　when　I　do　
wake　up。　If　I　wake　up；　which　I　won't；　because　I'm　dead。　This　is　awful。　Poor　
Charlie。　And　Renee　and　
Jake〃　I　trailed　off　in　horror　at　what　I　had　done。　
〃I　can　see　where　you　might　confuse　me　with　a　nightmare。〃　His　short…lived　smile　
was　grim。　〃But　I　can't　
imagine　what　you　could　have　done　to　wind　up　in　hell。　Did　you　mit　many　
murders　while　I　was　away？〃　
I　grimaced。　〃Obviously　not。　If　I　was　in　hell；　you　wouldn't　be　with　me。〃　
He　sighed。　
My　head　was　getting　clearer。　My　eyes　flickered　away　from　his　face—unwillingly
—for　one　second；　to　the　
dark；　open　window；　and　then　back　to　him。　I　started　to　remember　details　and　I　
felt　a　faint；　unfamiliar　
blush　warm　the　skin　over　my　cheekbones　as　I　slowly　realized　that　Edward　was　
really；　truly　here　with　me；　
and　I　was　wasting　time　being　an　idiot。　
〃Did　all　of　that　really　happen；　then？〃　It　was　almost　impossible　to　reassign　my　
dream　as　reality。　I　couldn't　
wrap　my　head　around　the　concept。　
〃That　depends。〃　Edward's　smile　was　still　hard。　〃If　you're　referring　to　us　
nearly　being　massacred　in　Italy；　
then；　yes。〃　
〃How　strange；〃　I　mused。　〃I　really　went　to　Italy。　Did　you　know　I'd　never　been　
farther　east　than　
Albuquerque？〃　
He　rolled　his　eyes。　〃Maybe　you　should　go　back　to　sleep。　You're　not　coherent。〃　
〃I'm　not　tired　anymore。〃　It　was　all　ing　clear　now。　〃What　time　is　it？　How　
long　have　I　been　sleeping？〃　
〃It's　just　after　one　in　the　morning。　So；　about　fourteen　hours。〃　
I　stretched　as　he　spoke。　I　was　so　stiff。　
〃Charlie？〃　I　asked。　
Edward　frowned。　〃Sleeping。　You　should　probably　know　that　I'm　breaking　the　
rules　right　now。　Well；　not　
technically；　since　he　said　I　was　never　to　walk　through　his　door　again；　and　I　
came　in　the　window　But；　
still；　the　intent　was　clear。〃　
〃Charlie　banned　you　from　the　house？〃　I　asked；　disbelief　quickly　melting　into　
fury。　
His　eyes　were　sad。　〃Did　you　expect　anything　else？〃　
My　eyes　were　mad。　I　was　going　to　have　a　few　words　with　my　father—perhaps　it　
would　be　a　good　time　
to　remind　him　that　I　was　over　the　legal　age　of　adulthood。　It　didn't　matter　so　
much；　of　course；　except　in　
principle。　All　too　soon　there　would　be　no　reason　for　the　prohibition。　I　turned　
my　thoughts　to　less　painful　
avenues。　
〃What's　the　story？〃　I　asked；　genuinely　curious；　but　also　trying　desperately　to　
keep　the　conversation　
casual；　to　keep　a　firm　grip　on　myself；　so　I　wouldn't　scare　him　away　with　the　
frantic；　gnawing　craving　that　
was　raging　inside　me。　
〃What　do　you　mean？〃　
〃What　am　I　telling　Charlie？　What's　my　excuse　for　disappearing　for　how　long　
was　I　gone；　anyway？〃　I　
tried　to　count　the　hours　in　my　head。　
〃Just　three　days。〃　His　eyes　tightened；　but　he　smiled　more　naturally　this　time。　
〃Actually；　I　was　hoping　you　
might　have　a　good　explanation。　I've　got　nothing。〃　
I　groaned。　〃Fabulous。〃　
〃Well；　maybe　Alice　will　e　up　with　something；〃　he　offered；　trying　to　fort　
me。　
And　I　was　forted。　Who　cared　what　I　had　to　deal　with　later？　Every　second　
that　he　was　here—so　
close；　his　flawless　face　glowing　in　the　dim　light　from　the　numbers　on　my　alarm　
clock—was　precious　and　
not　to　be　wasted。　
〃So；〃　I　began；　picking　the　least　important—though　still　vitally　interesting—
question　to　start　with。　I　was　
safely　delivered　home；　and　he　might　decide　to　leave　at　any　moment。　I　had　to　
keep　him　talking。　Besides；　
this　temporary　heaven　wasn't　entirely　plete　without　the　sound　of　his　voice。　
〃What　have　you　been　
doing；　up　until　three　days　ago？〃　
His　face　turned　wary　in　an　instant。　〃Nothing　terribly　exciting。〃　
〃Of　course　not；〃　I　mumbled。　
〃Why　are　you　making　that　face？〃　
〃Well〃　I　pursed　my　lips；　considering。　〃If　you　were；　after　all；　just　a　dream；　
that's　exactly　the　kind　of　thing　
you　would　say。　My　imagination　must　be　used　up。〃　
He　sighed。　〃If　I　tell　you；　will　you　finally　believe　that　you're　not　having　a　
nightmare？〃　
〃Nightmare！〃　I　repeated　scornfully。　He　waited　for　my　answer。　〃Maybe；〃　I　said　
after　a　second　of　thought。　
〃If　you　tell　me。〃　
〃I　was　hunting。〃　
〃Is　that　the　best　you　can　do？〃　I　criticized。　〃That　definitely　doesn't　prove　
I'm　awake。〃　
He　hesitated；　and　then　spoke　slowly；　choosing　his　words　with　care。　〃I　wasn't　
hunting　fot　food　I　was　
actually　trying　my　hand　at　tracking。　I'm　not　very　good　at　it。〃　
〃What　were　you　tracking？〃　I　asked；　intrigued。　
〃Nothing　of　consequence。〃　His　words　didn't　match　his　expression；　he　looked　
upset；　unfortable。　
〃I　don't　understand。〃　
He　hesitated；　his　face；　shining　with　an　odd　green　cast　from　the　light　of　the　
clock；　was　torn。　
〃I—〃　He　took　a　deep　breath。　〃I　owe　you　an　apology。　No；　of　course　I　owe　you　
much；　much　more　than　
that。　But　you　have　to　know；〃—the　words　began　to　flow　so　fast；　the　way　I　
remembered　he　spoke　
sometimes　when　he　was　agitated；　that　I　really　had　to　concentrate　to　catch　them　
all—〃that　I　had　no　idea。　I　
didn't　realize　the　mess　I　was　leaving　behind。　I　thought　it　was　safe　for　you　
here。　So　safe。　I　had　no　idea　that　
Victoria；〃—his　lips　curled　back　when　he　said　the　name—〃would　e　back。　I'll　
admit；　when　I　saw　her　
that　one　time；　I　was　paying　much　more　attention　to　James's　thoughts。　But　I　
just　didn't　see　that　she　had　this　
kind　of　response　in　her。　That　she　even　had　such　a　tie　to　him。　I　think　I　
realize　why　now—she　was　so　sure　
of　him；　the　thought　of　him　failing　never　occurred　to　her。　It　was　her　
overconfidence　that　clouded　her　
feelings　about　him—that　kept　me　from　seeing　the　depth　of　them；　the　bond　
there。　
〃Not　that　there's　any　excuse　for　what　I　left　you　to　face。　When　I　heard　what　
you　told　Alice—what　she　
saw　herself—when　I　realized　that　you　had　to　put　your　life　in　the　hands　of　
werewolves；　immature；　volatile；　
the　worst　thing　out　there　besides　Victoria　herself—he　shuddered　and　the　gush　
of　words　halted　for　a　short　
second。　〃Please　know　that　I　had　no　idea　of　any　of　this。　I　feel　sick；　sick　to　
my　core；　even　now；　when　I　can　
see　and　feel　you　safe　in　my　arms。　I　am　the　most　miserable　excuse　for—〃　
〃Stop；〃　I　interrupted　him。　He　stared　at　me　with　agonized　eyes；　and　I　tried　to　
find　the　right　words—the　
words　that　would　free　him　from　this　imagined　obligation　that　caused　him　so　
much　pain。　They　were　very　
hard　words　to　say。　I　didn't　know　if　I　could　get　them　out　without　breaking　
down。　But　I　had　to　try　to　do　it　
right。　I　didn't　want　to　be　a　source　of　guilt　and　anguish　in　his　life。　He　
should　be　happy；　no　matter　what　it　
cost　me。　
I'd　really　been　hoping　to　put　off　this　part　of　our　last　conversation。　It　was　
going　to　bring　things　to　an　end　so　
much　sooner。　
Drawing　on　all　my　months　of　practice　with　trying　to　be　normal　for　Charlie；　I　
kept　my　face　smooth。　
〃Edward；〃　I　said。　His　name　burned　my　throat　a　little　on　the　way　out。　I　could　
feel　the　ghost　of　the　hole；　
waiting　to　rip　itself　wide　agai