new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第59章

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unavailable；　should　I　have　to　give　up　
the　distraction　I　needed　so　badly—needed　even　worse　because　Jacob　was　out　
risking　his　life？　Risking　it；　
in　essence；　for　me。　If　it　weren't　for　me；　Victoria　would　not　be　killing　people　
here　just　somewhere　else；　
far　away。　If　anything　happened　to　Jacob；　it　would　be　my　fault。　That　
realization　stabbed　deep　and　had　me　
jogging　back　up　to　the　road　toward　Billy's　house；　where　my　truck　waited。　
I　knew　my　way　to　the　lane　that　passed　closest　to　the　cliffs；　but　I　had　to　hunt　
for　the　little　path　that　would　
take　me　out　to　the　ledge。　As　I　followed　it；　I　looked　for　turns　or　forks；　
knowing　that　Jake　had　planned　to　
take　me　off　the　lower　outcropping　rather　than　the　top；　but　the　path　wound　in　a　
thin　single　line　toward　the　
brink　with　no　options。　I　didn't　have　time　to　find　another　way　down—the　storm　
was　moving　in　quickly　
now。　The　wind　was　finally　beginning　to　touch　me；　the　clouds　pressing　closer　to　
the　ground。　Just　as　I　
reached　the　place　where　the　dirt　path　fanned　out　into　the　stone　precipice；　the　
first　drops　broke　through　
and　splattered　on　my　face。　
It　was　not　hard　to　convince　myself　that　I　didn't　have　time　to　search　for　
another　way—I　wanted　to　jump　
from　the　top。　This　was　the　image　that　had　lingered　in　my　head。　I　wanted　the　
long　fall　that　would　feel　like　
flying。　
I　knew　that　this　was　the　stupidest；　most　reckless　thing　I　had　done　yet。　The　
thought　made　me　smile。　The　
pain　was　already　easing；　as　if　my　body　knew　that　Edward's　voice　was　just　
seconds　away　
The　ocean　sounded　very　far　away；　somehow　farther　than　before；　when　I　was　on　
the　path　in　the　trees。　I　
grimaced　when　I　thought　of　the　probable　temperature　of　the　water。　But　I　wasn't　
going　to　let　that　stop　me。　
The　wind　blew　stronger　now；　whipping　the　rain　into　eddies　around　me。　
I　stepped　out　to　the　edge；　keeping　my　eyes　on　the　empty　space　in　front　of　me。　
My　toes　felt　ahead　blindly；　
caressing　the　edge　of　the　rock　when　they　encountered　it。　I　drew　in　a　deep　
breath　and　held　it　。　。　waiting。　
〃Bella。〃　
I　smiled　and　exhaled。　
Yes？　I　didn't　answer　out　loud；　for　fear　that　the　sound　of　my　voice　would　
shatter　the　beautiful　illusion。　He　
sounded　so　real；　so　close。　It　was　only　when　lie　was　disapproving　like　this　
that　I　could　hear　the　true　
memory　of　his　voice—the　velvet　texture　and　the　musical　intonation　that　made　
up　the　most　perfect　of　all　
voices。　
〃Don't　do　this；〃　he　pleaded。　
You　wanted　me　to　be　human；　I　reminded　him。　Well；　watch　me。　
〃Please。　For　me。〃　
But　you　won't　stay　with　me　any　other　way。　
〃Please。〃　It　was　just　a　whisper　in　the　blowing　rain　that　tossed　my　hair　and　
drenched　my　clothes—making　
me　as　wet　as　if　this　were　my　second　jump　of　the　day。　
I　rolled　up　onto　the　balls　of　my　feet。　
〃No；　Bella！〃　He　was　angry　now；　and　the　anger　was　so　lovely。　
I　smiled　and　raised　my　arms　straight　out；　as　if　I　were　going　to　dive；　lifting　
my　face　into　the　rain。　But　it　was　
too　ingrained　from　years　of　swimming　at　the　public　pool—feet　first；　first　
time。　I　leaned　forward；　crouching　
to　get　more　spring　
And　I　flung　myself　off　the　cliff。　
I　screamed　as　I　dropped　through　the　open　air　like　a　meteor；　but　it　was　a　
scream　of　exhilaration　and　not　
fear。　The　wind　resisted；　trying　vainly　to　fight　the　unconquerable　gravity；　
pushing　against　me　and　twirling　
me　in　spirals　like　a　rocket　crashing　to　the　earth。　
Yes！　The　word　echoed　through　my　head　as　I　sliced　through　the　surface　of　the　
water。　It　was　icy；　colder　
than　I'd　feared；　and　yet　the　chill　only　added　to　the　high。　
I　was　proud　of　myself　as　I　plunged　deeper　into　the　freezing　black　water。　I　
hadn't　had　one　moment　of　
terror—just　pure　adrenaline。　Really；　the　fall　wasn't　scary　at　all。　Where　was　
the　challenge？　
That　was　when　the　current　caught　me。　
I'd　been　so　preoccupied　by　the　size　of　the　cliffs；　by　the　obvious　danger　of　
their　high；　sheer　faces；　that　I　
hadn't　worried　at　all　about　the　dark　water　waiting。　I　never　dreamed　that　the　
true　menace　was　lurking　far　
below　me；　under　the　heaving　surf。　
It　felt　like　the　waves　were　fighting　over　me；　jerking　me　back　and　forth　
between　them　as　if　determined　to　
share　by　pulling　me　into　halves。　I　knew　the　right　way　to　avoid　a　riptide：　swim　
parallel　to　the　beach　rather　
than　struggling　for　the　shore。　But　the　knowledge　did　me　little　good　when　I　
didn't　know　which　way　the　
shore　was。　
I　couldn't　even　tell　which　way　the　surface　was。　
The　angry　water　was　black　in　every　direction；　there　was　no　brightness　to　
direct　me　upward。　Gravity　was　
all…powerful　when　it　peted　with　the　air；　but　it　had　nothing　on　the　waves—I　
couldn't　feel　a　downward　
pull；　a　sinking　in　any　direction。　Just　the　battering　of　the　current　that　flung　
me　round　and　round　like　a　rag　
doll。　
I　fought　to　keep　my　breath　in；　to　keep　my　lips　locked　around　my　last　store　of　
oxygen。　
It　didn't　surprise　me　that　my　delusion　of　Edward　was　there。　He　owed　me　that　
much；　considering　that　I　
was　dying。　I　was　surprised　by　how　sure　that　knowledge　was。　I　was　going　to　
drown。　I　was　drowning。　
〃Keep　swimming！〃　Edward　begged　urgently　in　my　head。　
Where？　There　was　nothing　but　the　darkness。　There　was　no　place　to　swim　to。　
〃Stop　that！〃　he　ordered。　〃Don't　you　dare　give　up！〃　
The　cold　of　the　water　was　numbing　my　arms　and　legs。　I　didn't　feel　the　
buffeting　so　much　as　before。　It　was　
more　of　just　a　dizziness　now；　a　helpless　spinning　in　the　water。　
But　I　listened　to　him。　I　forced　my　arms　to　continue　reaching；　my　legs　to　kick　
harder；　though　every　second　
I　was　facing　a　new　direction。　It　couldn't　be　doing　any　good。　What　was　the　
point？　
〃Fight！〃　he　yelled。　〃Damn　it；　Bella；　keep　fighting。〃　
Why？　
I　didn't　want　to　fight　anymore。　And　it　wasn't　the　light…headedness；　or　the　
cold；　or　the　failure　of　my　arms　
as　the　muscles　gave　out　in　exhaustion；　that　made　me　content　to　stay　where　I　
was。　I　was　almost　happy　
that　it　was　over。　This　was　an　easier　death　than　others　I'd　faced。　Oddly　
peaceful。　
I　thought　briefly　of　the　clichés；　about　how　you　were　suppose　to　see　your　life　
flash　before　your　eyes。　I　was　
so　much　luckier。　Who　wanted　to　see　a　rerun；　anyway？　
I　saw　him；　and　I　had　no　will　to　fight。　It　was　so　clear；　so　much　more　defined　
than　any　memory。　My　
subconscious　had　stored　Edward　away　in　flawless　detail；　saving　him　for　this　
final　moment。　I　could　see　his　
perfect　face　as　if　he　were　really　there；　the　exact　shade　of　his　icy　skin；　the　
shape　of　his　lips；　the　line　of　his　
jaw；　the　gold　glinting　in　his　furious　eyes。　He　was　angry；　naturally；　that　I　
was　giving　up。　His　teeth　were　
clenched　and　his　nostrils　flared　with　rage。　
〃No！　Bella；　no！〃　
My　ears　were　flooded　with　the　freezing　water；　but　his　voice　was　clearer　than　
ever。　I　ignored　his　words　
and　concentrated　on　the　sound　of　his　voice。　Why　would　I　fight　when　I　was　so　
happy　where　I　was？　Even　
as　my　lungs　burned　for　more　air　and　my　legs　cramped　in　the　icy　cold；　I　was　
content。　I'd　forgotten　what　
real　happiness　felt　like。　
Happiness。　It　made　the　whole　dying　thing　pretty　bearable。　
The　current　won　at　that　moment；　shoving　me　abruptly　against　something　hard；　a　
rock　invisible　in　the　
gloom。　It　hit　me　solidly　across　the　chest；　slamming　into　me　like　an　iron　bar；　
and　the　breath　whooshed　out　
of　my　lungs；　escaping　in　a　thick　cloud　of　silver　bubbles。　Water　flooded　down　
my　throat；　choking　and　
burning。　The　iron　bar　seemed　to　be　dragging　me；　pulling　me　away　from　Edward；　
deeper　into　the　dark；　to　
the　ocean　floor。　
Goodbye；　I　love　you；　was　my　last　thought。　
　16。　PARIS
AT　THAT　MOMENT；　MY　HEAD　BROKE　THE　SURFACE。　
How　disorienting。　I'd　been　sure　I　was　sinking。　
The　current　wouldn't　let　up。　It　was　slamming　me　against　more　rocks；　they　beat　
against　the　center　of　my　
back　sharply；　rhythmically；　pushing　the　water　from　my　lungs。　It　gushed　out　in　
amazing　volume；　absolute　
torrents　pouring　from　my　mouth　and　nose。　The　salt　burned　and　my　lungs　burned　
and　my　throat　was　too　
full　of　water　to　catch　a　breath　and　the　rocks　were　hurting　my　back。　Somehow　I　
stayed　in　one　place；　
though　the　waves　still　heaved　around　me。　I　couldn't　see　anything　but　water　
everywhere；　reaching　for　my　
face。　
〃Breathe！〃　a　voice；　wild　with　anxiety；　ordered；　and　I　felt　a　cruel　stab　of　
pain　wh